La revedere

"Hello, You.

I know, not in a million years you'd ever read this nor I’d send this letter, but I just want to write. About me, about you, about us. Completely, all at once. I want to write to you for the last time, to lift this heavy burden in my chest, before finally going to the next chapter in my life.

Mind you that this is not a confession, an apology, or an explanation. You always know my fondness for letter, for written messages, and how I could say my thoughts better in this form of expression.

You probably hate me right now and I understand. I don't hate you for hating me, although I'm not sorry for cutting you out of my life. Eventually, one of us would finally have enough courage to give it all up, and turns out it’s me who did it first. Maybe that’s our problem all along. We were too afraid to leave anything behind. We didn't give up just yet because we have high hopes for each other, but we didn't do anything about it. We just sat there, imagining that someday the distance between us would shorten, without actually making it happen. Ever since we stopped being together, we stopped trying. We grew weary of the dreams, we stopped believing, and in the end, there’s nothing but doubts shadowed with an empty promise of “love”.

We stopped loving each other ever since we stopped being us. We only loved the idea of us, the reflection of us, the good times we had, and we think it'd be a waste to just throw it all away.

I know it is way too late to asked you, but if only at that time you could see inside of your feelings very deeply, you’d agree with me on that one.

But, not a single time I regret for being yours truly. We went through so much hell and so much pain by being together but at least we were happy. I believe we were happy. And when I say we were perfect for each other, I'm not kidding anyone. Had someone to talk to about ANYTHING openly for hours without awkward pauses is every girl’s dream and you made it true for me. You were one of my best friends; even you were the only person I could talk to about several things, because I knew you would never judge, you would love me for who I am. We were perfect for each other, if only the relationship were under a different circumstance.

After all, it’s the distance that gradually changed us into someone different, someone we didn't want to be. Maybe we were too young to sacrifice things for each other. We still have so many plans set ahead of us and yet, the distance between us seemed to hold everything back. We were afraid to hurt each other but it ended up hurting ourselves in the process. And that's what made me realize that we had zero chance and decided to give up.

There’s nothing to be ashamed for, there’s nothing to regret. Let’s just be grateful we're off that train wreck before it hits us to another wall, ergo hurting us a lot deeper for the thing we didn't really understand anyway.

I've said this one too many times but it will never stop being true: you taught me what loving someone is really about. Before you, I didn't even believe that one could have the kind of feeling you gave me every single day for two years to another human being and stay that way. You made me believe for things that I was skeptical before. You made me realize the beauty of conversations. Being inside me, you give me warmth no one had ever given to me before. 

And because of that, I will always grateful for your existence in my life.

You're a great person, and that’s why you deserve so much better. Someone closer and could embrace you better than I do. Someone who could successfully wake you up for a morning class or simply, someone who could make you take your meds every time you're sick. We were perfect but we were not right for each other, I guess. Life’s pretty confusing sometimes, eh?

I hope someday our paths cross again in some weird fucking way like the way we met. And I hope when that time comes, we would be mature enough to laugh everything off and be friends like we planned before. In the meantime, be happy and good luck with your life.

This is my last letter to you, ever. Thank you for letting me write this.

x"